Lesbian log twenty-four-zero-six-twenty-one
For many, COVID-19 has meant a complete disruption in schedule and programming. Just the daily routine of going into work has been interrupted for many. COVID has had immeasurable impacts on people’s mental health. For those going through trauma and difficult life changes, the repercussions of the pandemic have been devastating.
Navigating the fallout of a separation is gut wrenching, irrespective of a COVID world. However the isolation and forced confinement of lockdown after stay-at-home order has exacerbated any and every emotional toll.
My ex is a social creature, but he’s been forced to work at home with only Zoom conference calls to keep him company. There’s been nowhere for him to go. No one to go have a pint with at the pub. No sports to engage in camaraderie and after-game beers. Like so many, he’s been hurting in isolation. It’s been terrible.
For introverts, like myself apparently, I haven’t missed the social interactions as much. My demons are fought in my own head, whether I’m surrounded by people or not. Which is also why, I can count on one hand the people who truly know how much I’ve been hurting, or how much I’ve suffered throughout periods of my life. Actually, if I’m honest, I’m down to counting people on a few digits.
While the limited social interaction has been tolerable, the break in routine has been difficult, specifically when attempting to manage depression. Pre-COVID, pre-separation, when I was in better spirits, I would run on the treadmill in the morning, or hit the gym after work, or grab the bike in nice weather and fly over the pavement for hours.
Technically and rationally, I’m not overweight, but I have a body dysmorphic disorder that tells me otherwise. In my mind’s eye, I’m very much overweight and to see what the pandemic and depression has done to my body over the last couple years causes me tremendous anxiety. Nowhere is the body image and acceptance I champion in others, instead the view reflected is harsh and cruel. I see myself as fat. No one else looking at me would say that. Again, these are my demons, fiercely duking it out with reality on the daily.
On a rational day, I can concede that the prolonged inactivity has caused things to slip, but not to extremes. I’m a little softer everywhere, the tone is gone and the cushioning level has increased. Butt, stomach, thighs, back…all are a little fluffier than I’m used to. I’ve tried to be patient with myself, give myself the time I need to heal and get back on the bike so to speak, but when the demons pop up and the image in the mirror glares back at me, I spiral further into depression and self-loathing and the negative loops stops me from being able to do anything at all. It’s self-destructive and infuriating.
Fortunately, through my concerted effort at changing my outlook and mood, I’ve found the motivation to get on the fitness train again. This helps relieve some of my constant internal stress. It’s a drop in a bucket, but every drop counts.
I’ve managed to eek out 30 mins on the treadmill before work for three days in a row. The bonus is after my jog, I just have to shuffle from the treadmill to my desk. Well, after a thorough shower. I also conquered a 20 kilometre bike ride last night, from which my legs still haven’t forgiven me.
Exercise creates a positive feedback loop. I feel much better when I do it.
Depression zaps us of the energy to take action to change our plight. We can lament our circumstance, but we aren’t able to muster the will to do something about it. COVID made everything harder, every step tougher. As the world starts reopening despite an endemic COVID, my hope is that all those who’ve been hurting in isolation, whether starved of socialization or tormented in their own minds, find the conviction to change their perspective. Celebrate every small task completed. Triumph is its own reward. Do something to feel better. Even if it’s just one little manageable thing. Then build on each success until you climb out of the darkness and feel the sand between your toes.
Grab your sandals and I’ll meet you on the beach.
In gratitude,
Marissa xo