Lesbian log twelve-zero-three-twenty-one
Since I didn’t feel like belabouring the perils and challenges of living on my own today, (reverse osmosis system and water softener acting up, dishwasher dead, hot water tank dubiously working) I decided to sit down with my trusty old dictionary and pull a word for today’s post. Drum roll, please. Today’s word is:
Nag—to gnaw, irritate, scold; to find fault constantly; to be the cause of pain or discomfort (as in a headache that nags); to harass; the act of nagging.
This word has its roots in to gnaw or bite, which makes sense, since nagging is like gnawing away at someone until they relent or bite back.
I thought about nag for awhile, but honestly, gnaw itself is what resonated with me today. Since, it’s felt like life has been eating me away lately. I’ve felt beaten down, chewed at, my corners chipped away piece by piece.
I realize I’m pmsing at the moment, and for me, that’s very much a real thing. My hormones are as good at predicting my mood and my outlook as a world clock keeps time. Things have been pretty grim lately. And I know my tone and my words have reflected that, but only in certain moments and only with those people where it’s safe to be seen, where it’s safe to peek out, without worrying that my head will get torn off.
I have a couple of those people in my life. But since I haven’t had a lot of good to say lately, and they’ve been stuck listening to that barrage of misery for a goodly amount of time, I think things have begun gnawing at them too.
If you have a person who only wants to bring you happiness, how are they to keep standing in the torrents of your unhappiness. If you have a person who only wants to bring you ease, how are they to stand against the onslaught of your burdens and stress? If you have a person who only wants to love you, how are they to keep vigil when all you do is live in darkness and sorrow.
Why on earth would anyone stick around for that, time and time again? Masochism? Pity? Championing a lost cause?
It seems a cruel fate to subject oneself to that.
I try to let people know how much I care, how grateful I am for their support and their love. But I don’t believe I’ve been doing a very good job of that lately. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own pain, my attention has fallen away elsewhere. And that is wrong, because I wouldn’t be where I am today, if it wasn’t for every gift they’ve given me. They’ve lifted me up and carried me on their backs when I didn’t even have the strength to walk. They were a lifeline.
Life has been meticulously gnawing away at my edges, reshaping me, retooling me. Separating, starting a new life, building a new identity, these things are not easy and they are excruciating to bear. But throughout the ordeal of the past two years, there were moments that were easier than others. There were moments that reminded me that what I did and the decisions I made were necessary. My people were a big part of that.
I’m gay. Understandably, that changed a few things.
When I’m in a place of honouring that truth, and not letting the past and worry about the future gnaw away at me, I can see the potential of living a life from a space that is no longer fragmented. And while I gained a new part of me, I also lost several others in the process. I’m just hoping those parts will one day heal and that space of wholeness and peace will follow.
For now, I’m a bit broken. I can’t change that. But I can remember to honour and see those who have allowed me to be seen. I can remember to shine my light on their tireless, unconditional love and support. I can remember to stop and reflect that love back.
I love you.
In gratitude,
Marissa xo